Tough Love And Being Pregnant

This post will be a difficult one for me to get through. I try, at most times, to always take the high road with my special situation. It gets VERY hard. Calling somebody's personal issues out on a blog is not what I'm trying to do here. I do want to share my story with complete honesty, but I will try to do that and remain as respectful as possible. There is nothing that I can say that will hurt more than having to explain to your own daughter why you were not around when she was in her mommy's belly.

I met Tatum's father a couple of years ago. I don't remember the exact date. We had a few mutual friends. I really never had a second thought about him. I don't even really know if officially met him until later because he was far from my type, and I could have cared less. I just knew the name. I was more attracted to the "artsy" Johnny Depp type.. He was more the Marshall Mathers type. You get it, right? At some point last year, I still can't pinpoint the date, we just happened to connect through close friends. It was becoming an every weekend thing. I STILL was not interested in the slightest at first, but after so many weekends of being together something grew on me.  Let me also clarify.. This was a very difficult time in my life. Emotionally, I was not at my best. I had just had a huge falling out with one of my greatest friends who also happened to be my boss. So, I was 24 years old, jobless, boyfriend-less, and down a best friend. Not good. I don't really know if I have ever been in a lower place. I was pretty much looking for love and attention from anyone I could get it from. He just happened to fill that void at the time. It's my fault for falling for nonsense from somebody who was drunk every time we were together, but I didn't care. I'm sure there are plenty of ladies out there, and possibly men too, that understand how I was feeling. Again, I completely ignored all of the advice my smart mother was giving me. From day one she didn't understand what the attraction was. I don't understand it either looking back. It seemed to make much more sense to me at the time. There was no wining and dining unless I was paying for it, and there was definitely no sweet nothings whispered in my ear unless it was, "Yo, will you grab me another beer? Aight.".. Just pure loneliness and boredom. As horrible as it seems now, at some point during this joke of a relationship, the miracle happened. It's far from a Cinderella story, but life is not perfect.

When I found out I was pregnant with Tatum, my first thought was, "I can't do this." Tatum's father was very much in my life when we first found out. I give credit where credit is due. He was very supportive and tried to comfort me as much as possible. I thought long and hard about every option I had. This was a decision that I would have to live with for the rest of MY life. Nobody else's. Mine. The good, the bad, and the ugly. We came to the final decision, to have a little family, together. The together part lasted for about a week. I could no longer live the same partying lifestyle that I was living before. I was officially boring. He was gone. There was nothing I could say or do to change his mind about anything. I tried everything I could. Okay, maybe THIS was the lowest point in my life. I was pregnant and single. Thats a place that no girl ever imagined going in her life. I don't think I have ever cried so much.. EVER. Thank God I had my best friend, Erica, and her mother to assure me that everything would be fine eventually. I didn't see that, though. As far as I was concerned, my life was over. I didn't think it was fair to bring a child into the world without both parents together in a loving home. I have experienced, first hand, what it's like to come from a broken home. It's hard. A few weeks went by, and I finally worked up enough strength to tell my mother. Ouch. Another low point. I don't need to dwell on what that was like, so I will just say that I had to move out for a week or so. After giving it some time, my mom came around. She was still not happy, and she let it be known quite often. It was tough. My mom's love and approval means more to me than anyones. Even after Tate's first ultrasound, she was still in a state of shock, but she never left my side.........

Second Trimester: Mom moves to Florida!!!!

Ok, so she did leave my side for a minute. My mother has always dreamt of living on the coast. She was planning to move to the beach long before I became pregnant, and I didn't want that to stop her. It was a big deal for me to make my mom feel like I could handle things on my own. I still had my close family, so I was fine with her moving.  Talk about a mental breakdown... the day she left was harder than I expected, but I got through it. Still, nothing from Tatum's father. He made it abundantly clear that partying was far more important than me being pregnant with his first child. He was not around for any of this. I couldn't even reach him on the phone if I wanted to. I did, however, get a chance to speak to his parents for the first time on the day of my 20 week ultrasound... It's a girl! YAY! At this point of my pregnancy I was as happy as could be. I missed my mom and had my share of hard days, but thats to be expected. I was spending a lot of time with my wonderful cousin, Abby, and I had my faithful puppies. Life was good! Cherry on top.... My mom came home for good on July 4th weekend. She just couldn't stay away!

So, here I am.. 31 weeks. Other than the fact that I have gained an obscene amount of weight, I feel great! I don't think I have ever been more ready for fall weather. I do not recommend being pregnant in the summertime. Whoa.  Atlanta has had one of the hottest summers to date and my body is feeling it big time. I have seen Tatum's father one time since my 6th week of pregnancy. I do have really bad days sometimes. Who wouldn't? I do not miss the person anymore. I have finally regained my fun personality and sense of humor that I somehow lost touch of for awhile. I don't feel lonely anymore. As soon as I made the decision to shut out all of the negativity and bad people I was surrounding myself with, my life became easier and happier. The people you have in your life will make who you are. My daughter is now the top priority, and she deserves the best life I'm capable of giving her. Do I wish that I had a partner to share this amazing journey with? Yes. Of course in a perfect world things would be a little different, but at some point you have to stop seeing things for what they could have been and make the best of reality. My reality is that I'm about to have a child who will need a strong mommy who loves her unconditionally regardless of the bad things going on around her. I have to be positive for her! That is what is most important. If I have learned anything through this, its that I can handle ANYTHING. If there is ever a challenge thrown my way (there will be plenty), I'm ready.

Whew... that was super long. I'm still trying to figure out how to put everything into written words. Now that I have caught my story up to present time things will become shorter. :) I'm so glad people are enjoying this. It feels so good to get it all out! I appreciate all of the love and support everyone has given me. THANK YOU!